Unspoken Thoughts

Unspoken Thoughts

Most of the time, I tend to relate to the things of hate, anger, brokenness, and the likes. It’s like I’m in most of those situations in my life than any other kind. I’m always struggling with something, thinking badly about something, how I’m not good enough or how I CANT do anything properly. My mind is clouded with so many impossibilities.

Then I turn to the person seated next to me and what I see are their achievements, their goals, their blessings that never seem to go, the happiness they enjoy on the go and when I look back at ME, I see nothing. I judge myself off of their constitution and standard, I sentence myself to life imprisonment of unworthiness after weighing who drops more value at the doorstep of every other person around. I take so many steps back each day just so I could ‘elevate’ the person next to me and demote myself so no one would see the little hate in me. But that’s the little hate I give.

By pushing myself out of the opportunities that God has placed me in, I tell the world to hate me and in turn, hate Him for not giving me what I thought I needed; attention, praise, accountability and fame. I had to realize that the hate I give to people is tricking them to believe I was alright all the time when in fact there were times I just needed a smile. I constantly put my insecurities and hurt between me and every relationship I had especially that with God because someway somehow I never thought True love could happen to Me, and in spite of it all, I opened he door widely for fake love and lust to come in and whenever they left unannounced, they left me more broken than I was before. Opening all the closed wounds as if that would make me long for them more.

So it’s true that I have a lot of open wounds and untreated hurts. It’s true that my pains keep growing as my days keep stretching. It’s even true that I secretly still hate everyone who did me wrong, but when I think about it, that’s the hate I give to the world. That’s the hate anger and brokenness I give to myself. 

If I was being honest, I still hold on to every tear, every fear, every stroke that was placed on me because I’m terrified that if I let go, I would fall and become extremely vulnerable for everyone to use and not treat delicately. So I build a large wall around myself. The cement my insecurities, the bricks my failures and shortcomings. The paint my uncertainty and distrust and the gate made of my own lust. I was kept bondaged in that wall. I locked myself in, deprived myself of everything that looked or felt delightful yet begged myself to let me out.

I was just a hurt girl hurting people.

But what do you tell people who believe in the love from God but despise the people in the world starting from self; when God specifically told us to love Him, then our neighbors as we love ourselves?

It seems like there is no room for that, everything has been occupied, let love find someone else who is ready. But Christ doesn’t meet people who are ‘ready’ to receive Him completely. Peter wasn’t ready to receive him, Saul turned to Paul wasn’t really to receive! I don’t have to be ready to receive Christ as He is which is LOVE and allow Him to love through me, help me to identify and appreciate the love I receive through others. Because counter to what I believed, true love does infact exist in this world. It exists in me because Christ exists in me. He lives in me so I could love everyone not just those I thought deserved it; so I could love myself not thinking if I deserved it or not. He is ready to dispel all the anger, hurt and brokenness, use it as a stone to make me stronger, wiser but He is also ready to be my wall and make His Love the gate instead. 

And so when they talk about identity in Christ and the fruits the spirit gives us, I don’t need to turn to the person next to me to assess myself. I just look within to the one in whom I live and move and have my being. For He has given me purpose and people and a place in Him.

So let me rephrase, I may still relate to the things of hate, anger, brokenness and the likes but this time, it’s from an angle of love and truth. That which I only found in Christ .

Thank you Jesus.

Please drop your comments below, what are some of your unspoken thoughts?

-OGHALE