GUEST POST: I AM DUMB, BUT CAN SPEAK. Written By Ugochukwu Uchella

A dark feeling is igniting my veins, I feel terrible, angry, disgusted, and pained. Everything & Everyone around me makes me flare-up. I need to tell my friends so I can be helped but there are chains wrapped around my neck moving up to my mouth. Chains of fear and chains of being misunderstood. Chains of rejection and chains of being mocked. Thoughts of who disappointed me, thoughts of what didn’t work out, thoughts of who hurt me, thoughts of abuse have spilled through my body, I feel so broken and ashamed that there isn’t a repair for this disaster. I still have the chance to “SPEAK OUT” before it floods my mouth but I’m finding it challenging to open up when I know that could save me but it’s hard to stop this tsunami.

I talk to hundreds of people, I connect with two out of the hundred, and I feel comfortable with none of them…….TRAGIC!!!! Whom can I tell what I am going through?  Whom will not mock me as the previous did? (YES, I DID TELL MY FRIENDS BEFORE BUT…..) This burden is unbearable and I find myself crying when I see other people laughing because I wish I could laugh and smile again without it being fake, I miss my laughter and my charming smile but I feel it’s all gone since I crossed to this other side. So many ask me every day “HOW ARE YOU DOING”, I reply with the “AGAMA LIZARD NOD”

and of course, the fake smile, when you, who is reading this, know I am dying internally. OH! I get told I look dull….so it’s showing externally now ( I thought) …..DAMN!!!!! I need to improve my acting skills. No one was nice to me and showed me, love, so I thought I was strong and I kept it all in with the belief I was going to be “FINE”…..it’s good I had that positive belief but I should have done more than that but I am dyeing deep down.

My challenges kept on multiplying……but why this I am going through already is too much to bear talk less of this addition of problems. “Why don’t I isolate myself from everyone, since they don’t care?” I thought. I was so happy an “INSPIRATION” came because it’s been a while I had such a feeling; I felt like it was a breakthrough to be finally set free……unknowingly, this inspiration was from the dark side.

I became sluggish in all I do, my Good looks were fading, my strength was draining, even the fake smile I had was sailing, but I didn’t know because the energy that I had of which would have saved me from all this “DILEMMA” had been sucked away by this dark feeling, “shaking my head”, and I never knew the name. I still tried and smiled outside to everyone who obviously believed what they saw outside but never knew what was going on inside,  I was the only one who knew what I felt…..this pain & burden. I gave up on being helped by my parents, friends and chose to let life drag me like garbage. I had lots of secret tears, My “friends” stopped asking how I was, instead gossiping loudly to my hearing “I THINK HE/SHE IS POSSESSED”. So that’s what they think of me now….now I’m all alone….. I thought. I felt “EMPTY”, rejected, neglected, encapsulated, abandoned, and unattractive by everyone around me. I never knew what love meant that so many spoke happily about. I choose to stay here and find the next option where I will not have to feel this trauma Again! That’s good news for me. By the way……………. “I AM DUMB, BUT CAN SPEAK”.

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– Ugochukwu Uchella